Naughty Naughty Girl

OK...I admit it...I have been very naughty.  I still haven't been able to run..walking at this point is still an issue, and I have been going crazy on the chocolate.  The hubby bought me one of those huge toblerone's (I get one every year) for Christmas, and I pretty much inhaled the whole thing. 

weight:235.4
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

This was my morning.  I'm ashamed that I am up 5.4 lbs, although maybe a little secretly happy it's only 5.4  considering what a glutton I have been.  I have decided that I will get back on my eating track, and then, next week, I will attempt my first run!  I'm talking carefully..run 1 minute, walk 5!  Back to the very beginning and if it hurts too much, I'll stop. I don't want to re injure myself. Although, right now, I am sad that I have put myself back at least a month if not more.  I was hoping to hit my goal in May, but more June now.  Poop.  OK..no self-pity.  I'm the one who was stuffing my face with chocolate like it was a life source. 

On a lighter note, how was your Christmas?  Mine was good, I really enjoy seeing the kids' face light up when they wake up and see Santa has come.  Santa this year gifted us with a wonderful cold.  The only one so far who has escaped it is Daddy!  The rest of us are up to our eyeballs in tissues and eucalyptus.  Oh well...my cold medicine is setting me off yawning and I feel foggy..I will end before this gets weird.  Onwards and downwards on this journey.  Even when I have to go over hills, I see the finish line!

Week of Pain

What a craptacular week I have had! I've gained 3 pounds in 1 week, all the while stuck on the couch, with my foot up. I was only allowed up to go to the bathroom. I won't even get into the throbbing and pain that kept me up all night.  So, I sprained my ankle, and tore ligaments.  I have had bruising from my toes, to halfway up my calf.  I never knew how painful a sprain could be.  I always thought people were being wimps, but after having one....I can honestly say, they REALLY are that bad!  I still can't walk properly after a whole week, and I can't go back to work or even think of getting back to my running! I hate sitting on my butt all day, I hate disappointing my co-workers and I am so upset that the scale is going up after I worked so hard!! I know I have to heal, I know it needs time, but it is so frustrating! I am FINALLY starting to feel a bit better.  I can walk on it a little, although my other leg is getting sore from compensating.  Hubby went back to work, so I am having to take the kids to and from school again!  The lack of a paycheck is daunting, especially with Christmas almost here.  I know I will be back to work next week, but when will I be able to run?  I can't say that my depression from this hasn't set me back in more ways then one.  It's hard to stay on an eating plan, especially when all you can do is sit there and mope.  I have been cheating......a lot!!! UGH! I am more then a little disappointed in myself.  I truly hope after this week I can get back into a regiment.  I will start slow...walk the 5km.  Then I will start at the bottom, walk 5 minutes, run 1 minute.  Go from there.  I don't want to risk a re-injury.  So this has been my week...

Weight : 233.4
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

I'm hoping to not gain too much more weight and to start back on track soon!  My next scheduled entry is Christmas Day!! I may wait till the next day....MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! Onwards and downwards..hopefully!!

Catastrophe

Weight : 230.8
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

 Well...it happened.  Worst case scenario...I fell.  It was snowing for like 2 days, and I was being a trooper.  Got all geared up, put on my snow tracks that go over my shoes for grips and headed out.  First km was OK, but I was finding the vehicles were coming really close.  You couldn't see the lines in the road at all, and they were way over in the walk area.  There are no sidewalks where I was so I only had there, or the ditch.  I started getting more nervous when the ditch was almost indistinguishable from the road and vehicles were coming non stop so I decided to walk until I could get to a safer area.  I guess I went too far over, couldn't see that there was a drop down ditch and down I went.  My foot slid down, I went over it and the wrong way and heard a loud pop.  The pain was instant and extreme.  I lay there...trying to move and couldn't get up.  I started to try and get my phone to call the hubby, but I was shaking so bad from the pain, I couldn't seem to work my phone.  A lady yelled to see if I was OK, I said I wasn't.  She came over to try help me.  She didn't know what to do, but just her being there helped.  A cab driver stopped and said he would drive me wherever I needed to go.  The lady and the cab driver helped me into the van.  I thanked the lady so many times, and headed for home to access.  I finally got a hold of the hubby and that's when I broke down.  So embarrassed, I cried in this poor cabby's van, and tried to apologise.  He laughed and said it was OK, that I didn't need to apologise.  He helped me into my house where I cried harder as I tried to get my shoe off, and that's when I saw the softball shaped swelling on the side of my foot.  I was SURE it was broken. So off to the hospital I went with my hubby and sister.  After 4 hours and an xray, it wasn't broken, but I had tore all the ligaments in my ankle.  1-2 weeks of rest and physio is required.  Oh snap...this puts a HUGE dent in my plans.  I have to figure out how to exercise without using my foot.  As soon as I am able, I will start walking...I think the running will take longer.  I was so sad,  not only that I can't run, but that I can't work.  Christmas time and not working is terrible.  So this week hasn't been the best.  I am so close to the 220's too!!! UGH!  So this is where I am at.  I will continue to try.  Continue to work at it.  Onwards and downwards...hopefully downwards.  At least not upwards.  This is only a temporary set back...I refuse to give up! But I have definitely decided that I hate the snow! :)

Candy Cane Cuties

Weight : 232.0
Waist : 42
Hips :54
Bust : 52

I got straight to the point today! Down only .8 lb, but I took 1 inch off waist, hips and bust!  So it was a good week.  Ran my Santa Shuffle and did it in a personal best of 49.40!  It was a lot different then the Boogie I ran in the spring, but still good.  They weren't doing time at all, but I had my endomondo on to track my time so I could know for me.  Plus, they only had 109 medals available, since they didn't expect the high turn out, and I was able to get a medal!  I was very proud of myself, and got overly emotional about the whole thing!  My sister ran me in and was very supportive, then when I came to the last .5 km, my whole family was there waiting for me. They all ran me in and it felt so amazing and just the push I needed.  I can't tell you how good it felt!   The picture is of my sister on the left...she is the one training for a full marathon, and my inspiration.  On the right is my gorgeous, amazing niece, and smack dab in the centre is a very nervous me.  I always get really, really nervous before a race.  Feel like I am going to get sick.  But when I start running, all is well.  So I keep trucking on.  I am really hoping next week sees me into the 220's!!! I wanna kiss these 230's goodbye! I feel good though, really good and am feeling positive about my future!  Onwards and downwards on my incredible journey!! Only 52lbs to go.  I can't wait to get my surgery and be able to run without wearing 2-3 bra's!! This week I will continue my 5km runs, 3 times a week, but will try and up it to a 4/2 split (run 4, walk 2) and keeping track of my calories, etc with spark people!  Here's to another wonderful week!

Up and down...

I feel like I am on a Roller Coaster...one week I am down and feeling great, the next I am plateaued and feeling down! I know it'll be like that, especially since I am feeling myself in a groove.  I can now comfortably track my consumption without needing to write it out, although I keep doing it just for the management.  And the running has become a routine!  I have my race on Saturday, so I am excited and nervous.  OK...Here's the details for this week...

Weight : 232.8
Waist : 43
Hips :55
Bust : 53

Down  1.8 lbs from last week and 1 inch on the hips.  In total I am down 20.2 lbs, and that feels really good!!  I feel good about the weight loss too since so many people are now noticing and commenting!  That makes it feel all worthwhile! Plus outgrew my 44H bra and am now in a G!  Smaller boobies are the ultimate goal!  Had a gnarly flu on Tuesday night and Wednesday.  It was horrible, and could have contributed to my weight loss this week.  I am hoping I was able to keep myself sufficiently fed on chicken soup to combat any starvation mode weight gain next week! It was a rough one though!  The balancing of calories/fat/protein/ carbs and not starving yourself is so hard, you can't under eat or your body thinks it's starving and stores everything, but you can't over eat or you just get fat.  Such a rigid line!

Anyways, staying on track and keeping myself accountable and motivated! You'll see me running in my candy cane coloured tutu this weekend!  Onwards and downwards on my incredible journey!

Hip Flexor...what?!?

Weight : 234.6
Waist : 43
Hips :56
Bust : 53

OK..2 lbs down.  Not as much as I hoped but unfortunately I went a little too hard last week and buggered my hip.  It hurts every time I walk and throbs at night.  I have been told it's my hip flexor and is caused when I don't properly stretch, and sit for long periods.  Usually when I am on the computer! So this week I have to take it easy and just go for walks...no running. So my cardio is not where it should be.  Also, I can honestly say I haven't been properly counting my calories.  I have quite a few times said...oh it's only XX calories...no big deal, and not include it. These add up.  This is nobodys fault but mine.  Although people are definitely starting to notice.  I have had lots of people comment and I have finally reached the point of fitting into my original wedding ring set again! I have reached the 1/4 mark in my weight loss as well.  I am 1/4 the way to my goal!! 18.4 lbs lost! I am now looking forward to kissing the 230's goodbye!! I haven't been in the 220's in over 5 years!

Now..let's talk about the sagging skin.  Already I am looking like a deflating balloon.  The skin is starting to droop and sag. Not really very appealing but a definite sign of weight loss.  Thanks to my 2 beautiful children I had lots and lots of stretch marks, and now that the fat under it has started to go, the sagging and such  is brutal.  I can pull it and stretch it out.  I am somewhat...horrifically...drawn to it. Now...if I can get the tummy tuck, it'll look magnificent, and it could get rid of a dumb, I'm 18 and it seemed like such a great idea at the time, tattoo!!! Anyways, I am motoring on, and as soon as my hip feels better, I will be running again.  For now, I am speed walking my way along!! Hoping for wonderful things next week!! Onwards and downwards along the journey we go!! So much closer to my goal!!!

Another Plateau...

 Yes..It has happened again!  Another Plateau.  The only thing I have lost is inches, but a loss is a loss!  I can't be mad about that! 

Weight : 236.6
 Waist : 43
 Hips : 56
 Bust : 53

Do have some issues...like the hazards of running in the winter.  Ran when it was super cold and windy, and I only had running Capri's. Gave myself wind burn, and darn did that hurt.  My legs were red and itchy for a while!  So I went out and bought a cheap pair of running leggings to keep my legs warm. Also picked up some snow traks, they are these elastic and metal grippers that go right on your shoes.  Ran last night after it had done a big snowfall and then melted part of the day, also one of my first night runs.  It was slushy, muddy, snowy and not a lot of sidewalk space without snow.  I definitely noticed it as I had to spend a lot of time dodging snow chunks, mud puddles and all sorts of other obstacles.  I can honestly say though, it was one of my best runs yet!  It felt really good, and even though I was soaked up to my ankles with ice water and mud, it was wonderful! Quiet, calm, soothing and I felt awesome! Ended my run feeling like I could go another 5 km more!  I have faith my next week weigh in will be a good one.  My sister did say it may take a week for a bad/good week to get to you, so I know I will have a great week.  I am feeling very positive, although I have been fighting some serious demons the past few days.  Hungry all the time, wanting to eat bad foods, and trying to talk myself out of my runs.  I know that the person in my head has poor self esteem, and I know I self sabotage.  This is no different.  I have started seeing definite changes in my body and perhaps that inner voice is scared, or feels I don't deserve it so it starts saying for me to stop.  I have to fight it quite a bit!  More and more lately. The minute I start doing good, it starts up.  I started seeing sagging skin on my belly, not the most attractive thing in the world, but an unmistakable sign the weight is coming off.  That voice must have gotten all shook up and went into overdrive.  That was why I had the night run.  The voice kept talking me out of my run all day, I finally said NO...I need to do this, and it was the best run!  OK...now for a recap, it has been 8 weeks since I began this journey...2 months!! 

1 month ago                           2 months ago
Weight : 242.4                       253
Waist : 45                               48
Hips : 57                                57
Bust : 54                                56

1 month                                  2 months
down 5.6 lbs                          16.4
down 2 inches                        down 5 inches
down  1 inch                          down 1 inch
down 1 inch                           down 3 inches

Holy..that puts stuff in perspective!!  16 lbs...5 inches off my waist?!? WOW!!!  That feels really, really good!! My hips seem to be my trouble spot, but I have always been really hippy.  Maybe I will look into some extra exercises to get those down a bit!  OK..here's to another wonderful week, and another wonderful month! Can't wait to see how far I'll be next time!!  Onwards and downwards! What an incredible journey this is!

Tricks and treats

Halloween was on Wednesday and after a week of no weight loss, I was a little afraid! All that candy wanting to go in my tummy!! My kids would never know! I was already sad about not losing, but I stayed strong!  I told myself to not even have one.  I know myself.  Once I get that one, I'll talk myself into another, then another and it becomes a terrible cycle!  So abstinence is best! I'm glad I did! Here's the details:

Weight : 236.6
 Waist : 44
 Hips : 56
 Bust : 54

Yay! Down 4.2 lbs!  I am in the 230's! That makes me insanely happy!  My schedule this week has been running 3/3 (that's run 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes) split.  Been getting ready to run The Santa Shuffle December 1st!  We are going as The Candy Cane Cuties!  My sister for my birthday got my special socks and a running headband the soaks up the sweat! Says Run Girl Run!  I love it! On my last run had a bit of pain in my knees.  Had to slow my pace a bit so I am running 5km in about 51-53 minutes depending on my route.  I would like to beat my PB of 49 minutes!  I've had a few coworkers notice the weight loss, but not too many!  They say it takes 4 weeks for me and close family to notice, 8 weeks for friends and 12 weeks for strangers.  Next week is 8 weeks! 56.6 lbs to go!  Wow...that doesn't seem as daunting as 70! Onwards and downwards we go!!!

Plateau...NO!!

So it came...the dreaded plateau!! Even though I ran my 3 times and ate (mostly) what I was supposed to, I have hit a hard spot!  I need to step up my game...I need to work harder to get it going again!  So I have started running a 2.5/3.5 split.  But it was my birthday the other day and I may have indulged in some Birthday apple pie...oh and I made Pumpkin Cupcakes with butter cream icing for the kids' classes and perhaps I ate a couple of those.  So, really, this shouldn't be a surprise.  But really...it always happens to me....right in the 230's I either never quite make it, or I never get too far down from it.  My last one was 237.  I was stuck there and then just gave up!  This time will be different! It's weird because lately I just feel ravenous! I am hungry all the time and never feel sated! Constantly prowling my kitchen and checking my calories to see if I can have just a little something.  It is beyond frustrating since for a month and a half, I've been OK, then this!  I'm also exhausted...I am the mother of 2 kids and have done the sleepless nights and sleepy days, but now I am nodding off all the time.  In the car with my husband when his sudden talking bolts me awake....was I asleep???  I am crashing into bed every night, and falling asleep instantly! Me...who usually tosses and turns for at least an hour.  I'm yawning all day and can't wait to sleep.  If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant but the hubby is neutered so that is not a possibility!  Anyways, that is my dilemma this week.  I am hoping to see something happen next week and refuse to be detoured!  Tomorrow is Halloween and I am a little afraid...all that candy..in convenient little guiltless, just one won't hurt me sizes!! Oh my!  NOOOOOOOO! For my weight and measurements...there is no change!  Nada....zip!

Weight : 240.8
 Waist : 44
 Hips : 56
 Bust : 54

Booooooooo!  It's OK...I knew eventually I would hit this point so I won't give up!  My sister has entered me into a Santa Shuffle 5km run for Dec 1st.  My sister, my niece and I are running together!  I think I will make us candy cane coloured tutu's!! How fun!  But what a bonding experience!  Plus it keeps me accountable! I want to do a good time...my PB is 49 minutes for a 5km! So as I like to say..onwards and downwards!! Ha ha! Here's to the journey!

Brrrrrr...

Another week! They seem to be speeding by so fast for me! Which is good when you are trying to lose weight! Ha Ha! Lets get right down to business

Weight : 240.8
 Waist : 44
 Hips : 56
 Bust : 54

Not bad!  I was really, really wanting to be in the 230's this week, but it's OK.  Lost just about 2 lbs this week.  It's going down at a very healthy rate and that is all I can hope for! OK..so I have been following my regular...calories 1490-1840 as per Sparkpeople's suggested calories. Been running a minimum of 2 times a week...5km at a 2/4 split with a negative split.  I can't always run 3 times as the kids had a Pro-D day (no school) on Friday and I worked so I was not able to get a run in! But I do other things! Mountain climbers, jumping jacks, cleaning, etc.  I stay busy on those days!

So, this week has shown me so much about myself.  With the weather cooling down so fast, doing my runs feels a little like torture.  The biting wind hurts me ears and face, and the roads starting to get icy scares me. But I persevere.  My sister, again the expert, suggested yak tracks??  They go on your feet to keep traction, and definitely need a head band or something to keep my ears warm!!  Plus, the only running pants I have are Capri's! Need some actual pants!! OK, well...I'll put it on the need list, and go from there!  I hate even thinking of buying clothes when I plan on getting smaller, but to get smaller, I have to lose weight! Vicious cycle! It's my birthday on Sunday, and I cannot believe I am turning....36! I don't feel it...well...not all the time! I have my days..lol. Alright..onward and..well not upward..downward?!?! To another great week! 60.8 lbs to go!

Kindness around every corner..

Another week come and gone.  Was it a good week?? For the most part, yes! Did I have any great milestones?? No.  But that's OK.  I have been having severe issues with shin splints and calf cramps.  I had been finding that every run was becoming excruciating.  The pain was almost unbearable and was spending my runs limping.  So I went to my expert on running.....my sister!  She is an accomplished runner and someone I aspire to be. She is presently training for a full marathon...that's 42.2 km!!!! That's unimaginable for me right now!! Anyways, she said I was pushing too hard too fast. That I should stay at my pace I'm at until I don't hurt, till I can run that comfortably, then up my pace!  So I am going with that!  I am doing my negative splits, and keeping my pace to 5km in 55 minutes.  With a 4/2 split!  Usually when running I set my eyes to a focal point to get through the pain...I don't notice what is happening around me, I just try and make it through! But on Monday, after keeping the same pace for a week, the pain had gone down considerably!  I was able to enjoy the run and actually look around more, and what I saw was so inspiring!  When you can look around and not focus on pain you start to look at the vehicles driving by, and what the people driving are doing and I saw so many people giving me thumbs up, fist pumps and other encouraging motions.  Thank-you....thank-you so much!  The first one I saw, I thought I was imagining...but then, so many others.  It brought me to tears, to know that others realised my struggles and were letting me know I was doing good. I was trying and they were encouraging me.  It was so amazing, I can't thank them enough!  That simple act as they drove by meant so much to me!!! So with that inspiration I have set my path for another month, week by week as I work for the ultimate goal!! Here's where I stand!

Weight : 242.4
Waist : 45
Hips : 57
Bust : 54

Where I started 1 month ago!

Weight: 253             Weight: down 11 lbs
waist: 48                   waist: down 3 inches
hips: 57                     Hips: same (just call me a hippy :) )
bust:56                      Bust: down 2 inches

I call that a success!! I am happy with that!! So if you see someone running, walking or generally just out there trying, give them a thumbs up!  You have no idea how much that small act means to that person!! Thank-you to those people who do, and those who have to me!!! My incredible journey continues!

Gobble Gobble...gulp!

Well..Thanksgiving did not take me prisoner! I was not a slave to the Turkey..it did not own me!!  I was able to eat the wonderful Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, glazed carrots, pumpkin pie and ice cream. All of it..in moderation, because I did a run before dinner.  I didn't do a full 5 km, did a 3km, but it was enough so I could eat and oh my...it was so delicious!  Plus I ate a light lunch to save the calories for my dinner!!  We got a local farm raised Turkey and it was worth the extra money!  So delicious and knowing that it was grain fed, and darn happy till it's last moments made it feel good food! I guess you'd like to know the details huh...

Weight: 244.4
Waist: 45
Hips: 57
Bust: 54

It was a good week! I was very happy when I stepped on that scale and still lost weight after Thanksgiving dinner.  Means I am on the right track.  Also, sitting at 9 lbs lost since I started feels even better! That's 9 lbs in 3 weeks!!  So awesome! Plus, I got to take 3 marbles out of my jar! Julie got them and promptly rolled them under the stove..kinda ironic!! Ha ha! I haven't been starving..I haven't been pushed so hard I hurt of feel overworked! I am a little more tired on run days, the yawns start early on those days, but other then that, I am feeling better and better!  I can't wait to hit the 10 lb mark!! That'll feel darn good!  Also, I fit into some jeans I haven't been able to wear for quite a while.  Went from a 22 to a 19 so I am stoked to be heading down!  Now...my workout...still 5km, but I am now doing a 4/2 split (walk 4 minutes and run 2 minutes) also doing negative splits.  I run faster on my last half then my first.  I now do my 5km in 55 minutes.  I have also added sporadic bouts of exercise here and there.  If I feel I have the energy, I will do mountain climbers, push-ups, lunges and squats.  Only if I feel I can, but I figure, even 5 minutes of exercise extra a day, is 5 minutes more burn! 

On a side note...sometimes people can be cruel.  As an overweight individual, we all deal with people who think it's OK to be judge, jury and executioner.  They think they have a right to say and do whatever they feel, even when it is hurtful and unkind!  I was heading to work and passed by a few young boys..around 15years old. As I went by, they started making elephant noises and laughing.  I was humiliated and beyond hurt! After working so hard, you feel like everyone should know you are trying, even though they don't, but in your head, you think they should.  When they do things like that...you feel like all your hard work isn't worth it and you feel like giving up.  I was so sad that day and kept thinking...why?? Why?? Because they are cruel..they are kids...and their parents obviously taught them that it is OK to judge others.  But they don't define me..they don't know who I am and what i have gone through.  Before I would have eaten that pain away, pushed it down in my stomach and smothered it in chocolate!  Not this time...I held it, nurtured it and then I smashed it in the face on my next run!  I was so mad..I ran so hard.  Every step was stomping that pain....every km was cathartic and by the end of my run I felt so much better and I had demolished 2 minutes off my time!  Instead of my usual methods, internalising, I was able to push it from me...much healthier and hey...sure helps my time! Ha ha..so thanks boys...you motivated me and helped me grow emotionally..I hope one day, when you are judged, you can lift above it too!  So here's to another great week!  May we all grow and rise above!! :) 9 down..64 to go!

Give me nuts or give me....

Well it's been another week.  Again..so many ups and downs! The hubby was trying really hard this week not to eat bad stuff in front of me, and only a couple slip ups.  Mainly from eating too many snacks.  Healthy snacks, but too much of a good thing...! I was hoping for a better week, more like last week, but unfortunately, it's slow going.  As long as I'm losing I am happy! Here are the details:

Weight: 247
Waist: 47
Hips:57
Bust: 56

Not much of a change! But hey..at least it went down!!! Found the most AMAZING snacks at Walmart! They are super flavorful, and 200 calories for 1/3 cup.  Doesn't seem like much, but their flavor makes me feel like I really had a good snack! The Almonds with honey, cranberries and sea salt are my favourite.  The mix of sweet and salty kills my cravings for sweets! Love them!! So..my workouts this week were again, running 5 km only 2 times this week, wanted to run yesterday, but was feeling nauseous and my house was in desperate need of TLC, so I stayed home and cleaned the house.  I will try and go week after next as this Monday is........THANKSGIVING!!!! This next week is going to be a test week.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing....pumpkin..(drool)...pie!!! Oh my!!! My sister gave me a recipe for Pumpkin Spiced Granola that is to die for...I'll have to try and substitute that in!  Or I'll do my best.  I know I may have a bad week here, but I think we all do.  That is life!!  Anyways...running..I am at 1 1/2 jogging and 4 1/2 walking.  No Fartlet...darn I wish I knew how those were actually spelled...I will attempt to throw some in this week.  We'll see! :) Anyways.. 2 lbs down, 67 to go! I also filled a jar with marbles for the lbs I need to lose.  Every lb..take out a marble.  I may not be able to see these little losses on my body, but I have a visual with the marbles.  Just to remind myself that every lb lost is a lb gone!! Felt great taking those 2 marbles out this morning!!  OK..have a great week all, and if you can kind those nuts..they are a delicious addition!! Yummy!!

Groovin...

This first week has been hectic! In between shuttling 2 kids back and forth to schools, working and keeping the house clean and running smoothly, I am exhausted!  Woke up today with a sore throat (thanks Julianne) and feeling so run down! But, today is weigh in day!! I was a little nervous and excited! Here's the drill...

weight 249.2
waist 47
hips 57
bust 56

Down a little, but for a jumping off point..I'm happy! Plus, had my niece's bday party on Saturday and totally indulged in a large piece of chocolate raspberry cake! Not a shining moment, but one I can't feel too bad about as it was delicious and worth every ounce of guilt! Other then that, I was right on track and kept my calories in between 1500-1850 as well as running 5km 2 times last week! Even started adding Farkle's (sp) which are like little bursts of speed.  I was doing 1 minute jog, 5 minute walk with a 5 second farkle. I think it must look hilarious to see this large girl, with a beet red face going down the road, and then suddenly breaking into a full on run for a short burst, then slowing to a walk.  I laugh in my head at myself.  But other then that, the eating hasn't been as hard as I thought, a little more expensive but all in all I am satisfied, except for my Saturday afternoon....ooohhhh.  The hubby and kids were wanting take-out.  Soooo we stopped at Wendy's!  I was so good, got myself a Pecan Apple Chicken salad and it was yummy, but my hubby got a double baconator and oh man!! That thing looked and smelled so good! I was dieing watching him eat that!! Probably the most painful moment!  He complained that he ate it so fast he felt sick, to be good to me, but I was just pissed I had to see that thing at all.  But I stayed on track that time, didn't even steal one fry from the kids or a bite of their burgers!!  I'll take my halo now!! Lol! But I posted some motivational mantra's throughout the house.  They help to remind me to stay strong and that I CAN do it! So..onward and upward to another great week!! 4lbs down, 69 to go!

D-Day!

Well it's here..D-Day!! It came...not without a big fanfare and food sendoff!  I became a complete glutton and actually was happy to see this day as my stomach was literally SICK! I had consumed enough calories in only a few days to jump my weight up 5 lbs!!  That's just gross on my part, but it was like a goodbye party.  Nothing like over doing it though! Haha.  So sickly I stumble into my routine.  My first day was good...kept my calories, etc into the Sparkpeople suggested amounts and even got my exercise in.  Not with a run though...my daughter had not had a very good day at her Friday preschool day.  What ended in a very large meltdown and cranky little girl, sent my Monday into a fear-spiral.  Her first 2 1/2 hour day and I was terrified I was going to get a call saying that she was on nuclear alert at any moment.  So, I stayed home and CLEANED for 2 hours.  Not just wipe this and wipe that, but full on, sweat inducing, heavy breathing scrubbing floors on hand and knee, moving furniture cleaning!! My house was sparkling and my back was killing.  I used muscles I hadn't in quite a while, but it was a good hurt.  My house definitely needed the attention, and my body needed the work.  This is just the start, but in the beginning is always so motivating.  I always start out with such gusto and feel like I could lose that weight in a quarter the time...let's see where I am at in a month.  That's when I start to cheat here and there and get so easily discouraged.  I have to keep the goal in mind...need some sort of mini goal maybe?  A new pair of pants or shirt when I lose 20 lbs?  I don't know....hubby doesn't like the money spending!! Bahhhhh.  Anyways...I will keep a weekly update..maybe that'll help me stay focused!

Weight: 253
waist: 48
hips: 57
bust:56

I may start a secondary blog for the food creations I am coming up with.  Been getting creative in the kitchen and even my sister tells me I am good at making a fatty dish less so, but still yummy!  Although I LOVE the  Looneyspoons collection! Amazingly yummy food at 1/2 the calories and fat!  A gem!  I do post my recipe's on the Sparkpeople recipe's site quite often.  Not just to share but to get the true calorie amounts of it!  OK...we'll see you in about a week..see where I am at!! :)

Tired...

Wow..already I am tired and I haven't even started.  These early mornings and driving Mr. and Mrs. Daisy back and forth to schools is getting daunting.  Just THINKING of adding in a run and portion control is blowing my mind.  Not to mention, I am already a grump-a-meter, what with the hubby bringing up "finances" every other day, and then staying late at work every day I'm off.  My son said to me today that all daddy cares about is money, that he doesn't care about the family.  I know that's not the case, but his constant lamenting is even getting to the kids!!  I get it...eat right, exercise, get healthy, but don't you dare spend a cent more.  I GOT IT!  Anyways, so I have started charting my meals...wow...I was consuming roughly double what I should have been.  Bad girl...but it was like the last supper...EVERY NIGHT! Every chocolate was the last one, every scoop of ice cream my last taste, that chip is my last indulgence...every single time!  Actually made myself sick the other night with late night gorging! You'd think I'd learn...But no...I'm already thinking of what great wonder is hiding in the deep recesses of my cupboards...what sweet little morsel have I forgotten about or purposely hid! Mmmmm!  Ok..these are my little demons..little demons with a sweet tooth and round bellies! Haha.  So..T-minus 4 more days till D Day! We'll see what happens...whatever comes, I will greet it with a surely temper and a grumbly belly!! You have all been warned!!

One step forward, two steps back!

Got a phone call from my GP today!  I wasn't surprised, but I wasn't thrilled.  Apparently the specialist won't even see me till me BMI is in a certain area...and have given me a "magic number" that I have to be at before I can get a NEW referral and move on! I understand the reasoning, I just don't appreciate that it puts me back to square one and waiting again!  The wait list for the specialist can be months and upwards to a year, and now, I'll be back on the bottom.  I was planning on losing the weight already, I just thought I could do it while waiting.  NOPE!

So my "magic number" is 180lbs or less.  This is fine, since that was my goal!!!  Note to others looking to try, try to be at a comfortable weight, or contact a plastic surgeon regarding their policies!  It doesn't feel good to get your hopes up, and then get, what feels like, a set-back.  It can be very discouraging!  Not that, by any means, will I give in!  I will light a fire under my rump, and git-r-done!  So...here is my goal!  180lbs by the new year!!!  That gives me 4 months to really do this.  Then I go back to my GP an get a new referral.  And who knows, maybe there will be so much excess skin I might need some other work done! ;) 

Attack of the blubber!

So I went to my GP and he told me that it could take MONTHS to hear from the PS! Ok...ok...that's a lot of wait!  But I have decided it's ok.  Cause it will give me LOTS of time to lose the weight I wanted to!  So...here is the deal.  I am going to go strong as soon as the kids are in school for their full scheduled times.  So, that begins September 17th!  That's D-day!  I will start back up on running, and watching what I eat! I know I won't be perfect, but I'll give it my best shot!  I only get one shot at this so I need to make it my BEST!  So, until that day, I will be happy, funny, eating what I like Rachel...after...comes cranky, tired, restricted Rachel.  But it will get better!  I will get better and all I can do is hope for the best!  Losing weight is hard for me.  I am an emotional eater!  When I am sad...I eat..happy..I eat...mad..I eat!  I celebrate with food, I reward with food and I self soothe with food.  I need to learn something new, something else, and no...not shopping cause we'll go broke!  Any suggestions would be fantastic! Haha!

So here is my game plan.  Julie (my daughter) goes to preschool Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 2 1/2 hours in the morning and Joe (my son) goes to full time kindergarten.  That'll give me 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week to go hard at the track/gym and eat right the rest of the week.  I will be using the free online site www.sparkpeople.com because it tracks my food as well as my exercise and balances it and everything!  I really enjoy it!  I have endomondo on my phone to track my distance and speed for my running.  I believe these things together should help me tremendously!  But I will keep you posted on that front!  I would like to be in (one)derland before I see the PS!  Ok...good luck...may the spark be with me!! ;D

Tick Tock...waiting!

Waiting....waiting...still no call from the plastic surgeon.  I'm sure they're busy!  Been feeling a very deep connection with my breasts. Almost like I am noticing so much more about them, how they move, the way they feel.  Very strange since they have been a part of me for 35 years, and only now am I really noticing them.  I guess the thought of losing them, and becoming something different makes you become hyper-aware of that area!  I notice so many other things too, like how many people look at them, and not me in a day, how my clothes stretch only in that area, how often I straighten and adjust my clothing and stance just to accommodate them.  Very strange feeling, being this aware!  Not unpleasant, just...different. I spent so long ignoring them, hoping for them to go away!  But as I wait...I have a deeper sense of self.  I am more internalized then I imagined. I find myself very reserved about the whole process, which is in direct contrast with my blogging.  Hence why, baring no new developments, I am indeed posting another blog! 

So..thank-you to all the people who have come and talked with me!  I enjoy hearing your stories, and just the discussions themselves.  Also, although I don't feel like I am doing anything special, thank-you to those who feel I am brave for posting these and taking you along!   I feel deep gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to talk with me, and that feel free to discuss this openly with me.  I am not ashamed and am very thankful to have so many caring individuals just let me know they are there!!!  And to those who didn't know if they should say anything, please, feel free, I am always open to talking, even if you disagree with me!! :)

Here we go.  I am finding the waiting harder then expected, I think about it at least 10 times a day, and so many things bring it up for me.  I have people asking me,  have I heard from PS, when, what size, how long will you be out, etc.  Let me start by saying...for a lot of it, I don't know.  Once I have talked with the PS I will know more. Until then, we are all a little in the dark. As for size..I would LOVE a nice C cup, but will probably be closer to a D after surgery.  This is just my personal guess, again, once I have talked to the PS I will know more.  I have no idea how long I will be off, how much the tummy tuck would cost added on, and how long till the surgery.  I am waiting with baited breath to find out!  I would like to just get the first consultation over with so I could have so many questions answered!  I totally need to lose weight beforehand, but darned if I'm not drawing out the final supper till the last second.  I should be starting now...getting a head start, but I keep procrastinating, and my newest one is that I am waiting till the kids start school, and I have 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week to do my workouts!  It sounds reasonable...even to me.  A GREAT cop-out!  Ha ha...why can't I just start now?  I guess I am saying good-bye to one side of me, and having to say hello to a newer me, and I hate good-bye's...they are always awkward and a bit unnerving.  So I guess I am having trouble saying good-bye. I need a 12 step program to good-bye!  That'll be my next goal...my good-bye.  Not that bad really....just need to start to get going on the journey! As I know more...so will you! :)

The first phone call

So yesterday I got a phone call from my GP office.  She needed to know my height, weight and whether I was a smoker or not.  Well...5'2" tall and 245lbs...non-smoker! I know...I am definitely in need of some weight loss and I will lose before the surgery.  I'm hoping to lose 50-60lbs beforehand.  That way I can get the girls down to a smaller size and maybe...just maybe...I'll be able to get a tummy tuck too!  That's the plan..if I can afford it!  The breast reduction is covered under my medical but the tummy tuck is an add-on and I'll have to cover that, although, many say you can get a discounted price since the hospital, anaesthesia, etc are already paid by my medical!  I'm not embarrassed to be overweight, I also have PCOS (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) so my weight has always been a yo-yo! Not that I am using it as an excuse, it just makes losing weight a little trickier, but with a proper diet and lots of activity, I should be able to do it!  I'm hoping to hear from the Plastic Surgeon today...but I am not trying to rush this along! After this long...I can wait, and not to mention I AM TERRIFIED!  Just the thought makes me feel a little sick.  I only get this once..one time to erase the past and move forward with the new me. I gotta do it right!

The other day I was at work admiring some cute outfits...outfits that I can't wear since they are strapless and the ones with empire waistlines....#1...strapless...not EVER.  My bra's could house a small continent, it would be absolutely ridiculous to even try and wear that! #2...empire waists.  They cut through the middle of my boobs and either give me quad boobies or a grossly distorted figure reticent of the elephant man.  What is wrong with that girl??? But as I sat there staring longingly I realised..I WILL be able to wear them.  I felt so excited, it was like I had been given a stay of execution.  I watched a girl purchasing cute little bra's for $12-15 and I was breathless...mine cost $150-200 right now.  Can you imagine the savings??  I am in the plus sizes now, but I have a feeling I will be shopping in the regular sizes after.  This is beyond my expectations.  There is a new world opening up to me and even though I am scared, I am so excited too!  And yes..I am scared, not so much of the surgery or the pain, but of the emotional and psychological metamorphosis I will be going through.  I have been big busted for so long, I have no idea what it's like to feel...normal.  I could stand out in a crowd, will I fade away?  I'm not saying I want to stand out, I just don't want to lose touch with the inner me, the person I have been molded to be because of those pendulums.  I like myself!  I don't always love all of myself but I like my wit and character and I don't want to lose that!  So that has been overview thus far!  As I move along, I will keep you with me.  You get to take this ride all the way to the end!  So here's to the next amazing chapter of my Incredible Journey!

The First Phase

So this journey began...long before it really began! When I was 13 I knew I was different.  Girls my age just weren't as busty..they weren't even close.  I was a D cup and felt abnormal, fat, and embarrassed! I wasn't fat...120lbs 5'2" tall.  Not fat at all!  But my cup runneth over...literally! By the time I was 18 I was sitting in a Doctors office with a FF cup!  I begged him for a breast reduction, but he said because of my age, and the possibility of having kids and breastfeeding, I should wait until I was done with those things to have it done.  I'm so glad I did wait!  Now, I am 35, I've had 2 beautiful kids and breastfed those kids till they were both 2!  I am so blessed for them, but they left me very deflated.  My sizable bust...44H is still excessively large, but the once full cup, is now a deflated version of itself.  They are long and flat.  Still large but indistinguishable as breasts.  Plus the work they did on my tummy...I feel hideous.  I am overweight now, not that my husband or I are concerned about this, but I would like to look how I feel.  So this is how I shall begin...My Incredible Journey!!  I went to my GP yesterday, scared that he would look at me and say..no way.  You don't need a Breast Reduction..uh uh!!  I was so nervous...almost like a dream job interview...it was something I had dreamt of for so long!  Called into his office, I sat down and explained my dilemma.  He nodded and said definitely.  He asked if I had grooves in my shoulders, I said yes, and showed him, and I explained about the back pain.  The debilitating back pain...and to be graphic, it gets so bad it is hard for me to even wipe my bum or put on shoes.  Embarrassing! He put my referral in to a Plastic Surgeon and now I wait...wait to hear from her office and book an appointment to see her.  I scour the Internet for every video, picture and blog on Breast Reductions.  Needed reassurance that I am making the right decision, that I deserve this, that it is FINALLY here!!!  So I will take you on my journey with me...come along...on My Incredible Journey!