It Feels Like a Lifetime!

It feels like a lifetime since I have blogged.  There has been so much that has happened.  So many things...so many disappointments. I have gained all the weight back.  Maybe more..I have been too sad to get back on the scale.  My ankle is still hurting, stairs are my Achilles heel.  We moved, and I had surgery on my abdomen.  OK...one thing at a time!
My ankle still swells sometimes, and hurts.  Some days are better then others.  I have tried running and it starts to hurt about 1 minute in.  My new place has stairs, and some days its so hard to get up and down them.  I'm sure part of the problem is my weight!

Now..we moved.  Having 2 kids in a 2 bedroom mobile became way too daunting.  We are now in a 3 bedroom townhouse/condo with 3 floors and a basement.  Kids everywhere and my minis are so happy!  They love the new place, all the great friends and their Auntie is 2 doors down.  I love living here. It really feels like home!  Plus, having my sister (The super runner) right close is lots of motivation!  I now live in the hills a bit, but it's beautiful up here. Just beautiful! 

Now, my surgery.  I found a lump.  A random lump, went to my doctor to discuss it. He figured it was a hernia and sent me to the surgeon.  Went to the surgeon and he said he didn't think it was a hernia since it didn't go back in when pressed, so I was sent for an ultrasound.  Went for the ultrasound and that's when things started getting weird.  She started taking all kinds of pictures and asking questions.  Said she wanted to get pics of my uterus, my ovaries, etc.  This is a hernia...right?  Then she said she wanted to see if the radiologist wanted any extra tests done! What??  Get home and there is a message from the Doctors office wanting me in asap.  Now I am getting freaked!  I get to them and he relays that is is Endometrio Centosis, or an Endometrial Tumour.  Tumour...growth...lump.  I was scared, especially when they wanted me in for surgery 2 days after...I had to make plans...call my work.  So I was going in 10 days after.  He told me the mass had implanted into my abdominal wall, and had created its own blood supply, etc. So, depending on it's size and how much he had to take out, he may have to put in a mesh.  Scary. I stayed strong, I hugged my kids a lot harder that week, and only my husband knew how truly afraid I was. Only at night when it was just him and I!  So I went in for my surgery, nervous, but glad to be getting "Asshole" as I had named it, out!  I woke up from surgery, groggy, in pain and nauseous.  I always get sick after a surgery.  Always.  I was sent to recovery and the nurses were so wonderful, helping to get me dressed and go to the washroom.  I went home, knowing that the lump was gone.  I had a reaction to the pain killers and they made me very nauseous, so I stopped taking them after 2 days.  So needless to say, there was a fair bit of pain.  Thankfully, they used my c-section scar so no new scars.  I went back to the surgeon, and that's when I got the fun news, endometrial tumours are a form of endometriosis and there is a good chance I will get more.  Oh poop.  Thankfully they are usually benign.  But still...really? Anyways, its been a long road!!

OK, well, I am getting the Fit Bit which is a bracelet that tracks your movements throughout the day, and your sleep patterns at night, then sends them to an app so I can see whats going on.  Come September, I will start again.  I will have to go slower, darn you ankle, but I will try again! I can't just give up!
So onwards...and downwards we go!

Wayward Way

I have lost my way...I have gone off track completely!  I feel like my spark was snuffed.  Just can't get back into it.  I have gained a total of 9lbs to date, and I have been so ashamed I couldn't even bring myself to blog it.  I haven't gone for a run, I haven't exercised and I haven't been watching what I ate.  I have been so bad.  I don't know where my willpower went?  It's almost like that injury doomed me.  It sent me back to almost the beginning.  I am so sad.  I knew how close I was getting, I was on such a good track, and BAM.  Gone...I lost the will, and the drive.  I can't seem to find it either.  I always have an excuse...a reason why I can't.  Nobody telling me to do it either.  Just my shame to keep that niggling in the back of my mind...the shame of what could have been.  I need to find that jump start again.  I need to have a new D-Day.  A moment to say HEY ASSHOLE!  Sooooo...I shall begin again after spring break, when my kids go back into school.  I will start from point A.  Watching what I eat and running again.  I can say that yes...my ankle STILL hurts.  I still get painful popping and sharp pains when I squat or go up and down stairs. I don't know why it hasn't completely healed yet, but I need to work through this!  I am heading to the Dentist today, I had a cavity and was waiting until my hubby's dental kicked in to get it fixed, but it decided to crack the whole way down the tooth instead!  So...I am heading in today to get it extracted.  I just can't afford the cost of fixing ($1000-$2000).  Anyways...that's where I am at...my shame,  my sorrow. I am so mad at myself.  Especially since seeing all the cute outfits coming out.  The tops I could have worn! :(

Onwards...downwards!

Missed that week..

I know! I missed last week entirely!  It was my son's birthday week, and amid prepping for a party with a bunch of 6 year old kids and attempting to make everything from scratch, I definitely bit off more then I could chew! Throw in a dose of school issues for him and the past little bit have been very crappy.  My son was being bullied, and was having some serious issues.  I had to contact the school, then go in and talk to the principal and a few other people to get some sort of help for him.  Thankfully, I now have it under control, but I can say that my health was put on the back burner.  Haven't been out running, haven't been out at all.  Plus, being an emotional eater, I was indulging my psychological need with plenty of caloric mood suppressants!  Needless to say, this week sees me up at the scales.  My fault, my setback, my bad!

weight: 234.2
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

I'm disappointed in myself, and am feeling like crap!  Physically and mentally.  I have a bad cold coming in, sore throat, cough, muscle aches, headache, stuffed nose. Plus, both kids and hubby are sick.  Then I am mentally sick with myself. Always an excuse why I can't get out there, or why I should have that treat!  Ugh! Disgusting!

I have been trying to make a large healthy dinner that I can make multiple dinners with, and freeze, and one treat of some kind to add to it!  Last week was lasagna, pickled carrots and lemon poppy seed bread.  This week was Bouilie (a french peasant soup), and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Trying to slowly take out processed junk and substitute a more clean eating lifestyle. I figure putting in homemade snacks in my kids' lunch is better then processed cookies, etc.  So onwards we go!  Hoping to get out there more, and for crying out loud....stop eating the crap! One cookie is good enough, you don't need 10!

Another little switch this week, well, 2 weeks, is that I deactivated my facebook account.  I found I was on a share everything kick, which is me.  I don't sugarcoat things. If I am having a great day, I say so, if not, I say so. I wear my heart on my sleeve as it were.  Anyways, there were a few people who felt the need to let me know how, in PM, how bad my parenting was and what I should do to fix it. (Regarding son's school issues) So by deactivating it, I cut there influence out and am able to think clearly for myself.  I will reactivate it (after 1 month) and I will not be quite the share bear I was.  Those that truly know me and care about me will know what I am going through, everyone else will get generic status' and know only minimal.  I also will be doing a deleting fest...get rid of my emotional vampires! Those that scroll facebook to make themselves feel better about their lives! Anyways, hopefully next week can get me into the gym at least! Let's move forward shall we! :)

Back on track..slowly!

Well, I am back on track.  Been trying to get out running, it's not as easy, definitely hurts.  My ankle starts hurting right away, and I tend to overcompensate on my left leg, but then it gets sore. At least I'm starting again! My sister ran her first full marathon on Saturday! Very proud of her, and she inspires me!  I'm heading back down again, that makes me super happy!  I would LOVE to see the 220's next week, but we'll have to wait and see what happens.  Still watching what i eat, but I don't say absolutely NO to something,,,just have a small piece, and I found those Fibre 1 brownies...they are so good. I'm a sugar junky!  Feeling good and happy to be starting back, and I have to say, feeling very relieved that I am able to run! On the roads too..I have to watch where I go, some sidewalks are really rough and I just speed walk those.  I don't take any chances! I am so much slower though...went from running a 5 km in 48.24 mins to 4.61 km in 57.19 mins! That's a big difference! 


weight:233.0
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

Yay! Down 2.4 lbs!!! That feels so good to be going down again!!  Ok...on to another great week and getting out there! Onwards and downwards on my journey!! Wanna be sporting a new bathing suit come summer! ;)

Slow Start!

So I only got out once last week.  Mother Nature has not been cooperating! We had another 6 inches drop and then a big cold snap so the roads are really icy and uneven.  Had to talk the hubby into a track pass, and he finally relented so this week I will start at the track! I am feeling really down about it.  I feel like I have put myself so far behind.  I know I can always continue on, but it's just frustrating as I know how far I would be if I'd never hurt myself. 

weight:235.4
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

On a plus..found these super yummy chocolate snacks! They are sweet and tasty!  Only thing is I have an aversion to bananas.  I love them, but they don't love me.  Usually end up with a tummy ache and diarrhoea.  I was hoping that dried bananas might be different.  I have a reaction but it is way milder then fresh bananas.  Just a bit of a tummy ache, so that's OK! I can handle that. 

So tomorrow I am heading up to the Canada Games Tournament Capital Centre and going to get a month pass to the track.  Then I am going to make sure I get back into it.  No more being super careful.  I don't know if it's just fear or caution, but I am so scared I am going to hurt myself again and it really hurt! I remember every detail...the sound, the pain.  And I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I have a feeling my fear is making my recovery longer as I am procrastinating and making excuses.  I have to face that fear...head on!  Easy to say...harder to do! But onwards and downwards we go!!

Why? I hate snow!!

weight:235.4
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

I was all set...all mentally geared up to go for a walk maybe run!  Was going to do it and start again!  But what does mother nature do?  She decided to drop 6 inches of snow that morning.  This is EXACTLY the weather that was happening when I hurt my ankle, and if you think I am going to make that mistake again, you are wrong!  No way to see 2 feet in front of you thanks to snow falling, and the roads, sidewalks, etc are covered in snow so a hazard!  I just can't risk sending myself back to square one!  At this point I can walk, but if I get on unstable terrain, just a little pitch right or left and I get shooting pains through the ankle.  What if I were to fall again?  Not worth the possibility of an accident. So instead, I shovelled the driveway and did some housework.  I kept busy, but not doing what I really wanted to!  I'm OK with it...tomorrow is another day!  I may have to get a month pass to the track so I can do it indoors.  At least it's a safe environment! Just got to get the hubby on board with paying for the pass!  OK...that'll be my goal.  Get a month pass, and hopefully by February the weather is better and I can start out on the roads again!  I won't do the gym, I hate treadmills.  They don't feel the same, and I get dizzy on them.  So that's a no go! OK..I have a plan! Ha ha snow! Take that! So hopefully next weigh in is an actual LOSS! I mean..it's good I am staying the same! At least I'm not gaining! Gonna watch the Biggest Loser and get motivated with them! :) Onwards and downwards!! :D See you next week!

No Change...yet!

Let's be completely honest with one another.  It's so hard to go from watching what you eat and exercising and being so on track, to zip...nada..zilch and then back again!  Old habits..especially habits that were created and honed in 35 years..die hard!  They can get brought out of retirement too easily, and are smarter and harder to lock back up again!  I am trying, I am struggling...I am finding this even harder then just beginning!  Probably because I know what I went from, and where I am at now, all over a 1 minute mistake!

weight:235.4
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

No change..nothing, but...I haven't been able to run yet.  My ankle is still swollen and very sore, and I am terrified of getting out there.  Not that I am afraid of falling, more like I am afraid of not being able to run again, or for a long time.   But I am getting out there again on Monday.  The kids are back in school, the routine begins again, and I will go for a walk.  That is all I am promising myself.  A nice long 5 km walk.  I won't run unless I really feel I can.  If I feel I can, I will start very slow, very gently and for a minute..tops!  This is my promise to myself.  Now, about my eating...oh my.  I am really trying, but after months of deprivation, and missing being a glutton, it is so hard to say no again!  I will continue to fight that little demon!  I look at it like this, I have set myself back a month or two to my personal deadline, but I still can do this!  I really, really want this Breast reduction.  I really want to get down to 180lbs!  I want to have these changes and I am still very determined! So onwards and downwards on my incredible journey.  Hurt ankle and all, I will continue! I refuse to let a small bump in the road, deter me from my goal!