One step forward, two steps back!

Got a phone call from my GP today!  I wasn't surprised, but I wasn't thrilled.  Apparently the specialist won't even see me till me BMI is in a certain area...and have given me a "magic number" that I have to be at before I can get a NEW referral and move on! I understand the reasoning, I just don't appreciate that it puts me back to square one and waiting again!  The wait list for the specialist can be months and upwards to a year, and now, I'll be back on the bottom.  I was planning on losing the weight already, I just thought I could do it while waiting.  NOPE!

So my "magic number" is 180lbs or less.  This is fine, since that was my goal!!!  Note to others looking to try, try to be at a comfortable weight, or contact a plastic surgeon regarding their policies!  It doesn't feel good to get your hopes up, and then get, what feels like, a set-back.  It can be very discouraging!  Not that, by any means, will I give in!  I will light a fire under my rump, and git-r-done!  So...here is my goal!  180lbs by the new year!!!  That gives me 4 months to really do this.  Then I go back to my GP an get a new referral.  And who knows, maybe there will be so much excess skin I might need some other work done! ;) 

Attack of the blubber!

So I went to my GP and he told me that it could take MONTHS to hear from the PS! Ok...ok...that's a lot of wait!  But I have decided it's ok.  Cause it will give me LOTS of time to lose the weight I wanted to!  So...here is the deal.  I am going to go strong as soon as the kids are in school for their full scheduled times.  So, that begins September 17th!  That's D-day!  I will start back up on running, and watching what I eat! I know I won't be perfect, but I'll give it my best shot!  I only get one shot at this so I need to make it my BEST!  So, until that day, I will be happy, funny, eating what I like Rachel...after...comes cranky, tired, restricted Rachel.  But it will get better!  I will get better and all I can do is hope for the best!  Losing weight is hard for me.  I am an emotional eater!  When I am sad...I eat..happy..I eat...mad..I eat!  I celebrate with food, I reward with food and I self soothe with food.  I need to learn something new, something else, and no...not shopping cause we'll go broke!  Any suggestions would be fantastic! Haha!

So here is my game plan.  Julie (my daughter) goes to preschool Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 2 1/2 hours in the morning and Joe (my son) goes to full time kindergarten.  That'll give me 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week to go hard at the track/gym and eat right the rest of the week.  I will be using the free online site www.sparkpeople.com because it tracks my food as well as my exercise and balances it and everything!  I really enjoy it!  I have endomondo on my phone to track my distance and speed for my running.  I believe these things together should help me tremendously!  But I will keep you posted on that front!  I would like to be in (one)derland before I see the PS!  Ok...good luck...may the spark be with me!! ;D

Tick Tock...waiting!

Waiting....waiting...still no call from the plastic surgeon.  I'm sure they're busy!  Been feeling a very deep connection with my breasts. Almost like I am noticing so much more about them, how they move, the way they feel.  Very strange since they have been a part of me for 35 years, and only now am I really noticing them.  I guess the thought of losing them, and becoming something different makes you become hyper-aware of that area!  I notice so many other things too, like how many people look at them, and not me in a day, how my clothes stretch only in that area, how often I straighten and adjust my clothing and stance just to accommodate them.  Very strange feeling, being this aware!  Not unpleasant, just...different. I spent so long ignoring them, hoping for them to go away!  But as I wait...I have a deeper sense of self.  I am more internalized then I imagined. I find myself very reserved about the whole process, which is in direct contrast with my blogging.  Hence why, baring no new developments, I am indeed posting another blog! 

So..thank-you to all the people who have come and talked with me!  I enjoy hearing your stories, and just the discussions themselves.  Also, although I don't feel like I am doing anything special, thank-you to those who feel I am brave for posting these and taking you along!   I feel deep gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to talk with me, and that feel free to discuss this openly with me.  I am not ashamed and am very thankful to have so many caring individuals just let me know they are there!!!  And to those who didn't know if they should say anything, please, feel free, I am always open to talking, even if you disagree with me!! :)

Here we go.  I am finding the waiting harder then expected, I think about it at least 10 times a day, and so many things bring it up for me.  I have people asking me,  have I heard from PS, when, what size, how long will you be out, etc.  Let me start by saying...for a lot of it, I don't know.  Once I have talked with the PS I will know more. Until then, we are all a little in the dark. As for size..I would LOVE a nice C cup, but will probably be closer to a D after surgery.  This is just my personal guess, again, once I have talked to the PS I will know more.  I have no idea how long I will be off, how much the tummy tuck would cost added on, and how long till the surgery.  I am waiting with baited breath to find out!  I would like to just get the first consultation over with so I could have so many questions answered!  I totally need to lose weight beforehand, but darned if I'm not drawing out the final supper till the last second.  I should be starting now...getting a head start, but I keep procrastinating, and my newest one is that I am waiting till the kids start school, and I have 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week to do my workouts!  It sounds reasonable...even to me.  A GREAT cop-out!  Ha ha...why can't I just start now?  I guess I am saying good-bye to one side of me, and having to say hello to a newer me, and I hate good-bye's...they are always awkward and a bit unnerving.  So I guess I am having trouble saying good-bye. I need a 12 step program to good-bye!  That'll be my next goal...my good-bye.  Not that bad really....just need to start to get going on the journey! As I know more...so will you! :)