A Deeper Understanding

I feel like I am always making excuses as to why I am not where I need to be but I honestly think I figured out my problem.  I was trying to fix my weight issues by curbing the food portion and I was not dealing with my root issues.  Where did it all begin...and why?  Why am I so hell bent on sabotage and allowing myself to not be accountable.  Ignoring this blog when I know I'm not doing what I should. Especially when I have such an amazing goal to get to. I think I figured it out.  I am the youngest of 4 children.  I have 2 brothers and a sister. My parents were married but they weren't happily so.  My dad was not the kindest man.  He was not paternal in any sense of the word, and he allowed his anger at anything to be transposed onto his children.  Some of us were more easily the target. Especially me, being the youngest.  I remember early memories of watching my dad take my older sister and allowing her to sit on his lap, and me trying to get on and being pushed off. Rejection.  I remember him hitting me and telling me how worthless I was, how ugly I was and how I would amount to nothing.  I watched him ignore me when he could no longer hurt me mentally or physically. I was nothing to him and I couldn't express my feelings because they could cause a chain reaction, one of which you had no idea what the outcome would be.  Anger, pain...or maybe just that disgusted look.  So I ate.  I hid my hurt...I swallowed my pain....I drowned my sorrow.  I created a bubble around myself, and told myself mentally how I wasn't worthy. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with this pain.  A lot of times it was just me and my sister going over the times and trying to figure it out. She helped me try to understand.  But in reality, I have to accept that this was not my fault.  I am NOT worthless...I am NOT ugly....I did amount to something.  I AM WORTHY!  I have to repeat this so often.  That negative Mantra has been with me so long, it still holds sway, but I have a really great support group.  People who love me and tell me I'm beautiful, I'm worthy. It helps a lot! 

So here I am...raw.  I'm having to relearn WHY I am eating.  Plus I found out my son has ADHD and we have changed his diet to try and help his symptoms.  Less carbs and sugars and more protein. If anyone else has any tricks with this I would appreciate insight.  (Would like to NOT go the medicated route) I changed jobs and am now working a somewhat night shift (6pm to 2am) full time.  I'm noticing changes.  I have changed my eating pattern and with that, I am noticing weight loss.  I don't  eat breakfast, usually I go to bed about 3am and am up at 6:30am to get the kids to school, then I go back for a couple hour nap.  I wake up and have lunch, then I make dinner (try to do less carbs for Joe) and then I go to work.  I bring a tea, and a SMALL snack.  Usually a crackers and hummus combo.  Sometimes I bring a chocolate muffin if I feel I need a sweet treat.  I'm not saying NO, just trying to portion size.  I try and walk away from the food, even if I don't feel satisfied because I know I am not eating for sustenance,  I am eating to suppress feelings.  I need to face those feelings.  I woke up today and randomly weighed myself...243.8lbs.  Not bad.  I had noticed my work pants getting bigger,  especially since I had ballooned up to 260lbs.  But whats funny is every time I know I'm losing the weight, its like my subconscious panics and I notice a huge jump in my appetite.  I'm starting to be aware of these small signals.  My minds way of trying to deal.  Then I have to talk myself through it.  I tell myself I'm going to be ok!  And it's ok to fail.  It doesn't make me useless, it makes me stronger.  I'm a survivor.  So here it is.  And if you don't hear from me for a while, we can assume I am in an eating coma and am feeling guilty.  But I just need to remind myself,  I AM WORTHY!