A Deeper Understanding

I feel like I am always making excuses as to why I am not where I need to be but I honestly think I figured out my problem.  I was trying to fix my weight issues by curbing the food portion and I was not dealing with my root issues.  Where did it all begin...and why?  Why am I so hell bent on sabotage and allowing myself to not be accountable.  Ignoring this blog when I know I'm not doing what I should. Especially when I have such an amazing goal to get to. I think I figured it out.  I am the youngest of 4 children.  I have 2 brothers and a sister. My parents were married but they weren't happily so.  My dad was not the kindest man.  He was not paternal in any sense of the word, and he allowed his anger at anything to be transposed onto his children.  Some of us were more easily the target. Especially me, being the youngest.  I remember early memories of watching my dad take my older sister and allowing her to sit on his lap, and me trying to get on and being pushed off. Rejection.  I remember him hitting me and telling me how worthless I was, how ugly I was and how I would amount to nothing.  I watched him ignore me when he could no longer hurt me mentally or physically. I was nothing to him and I couldn't express my feelings because they could cause a chain reaction, one of which you had no idea what the outcome would be.  Anger, pain...or maybe just that disgusted look.  So I ate.  I hid my hurt...I swallowed my pain....I drowned my sorrow.  I created a bubble around myself, and told myself mentally how I wasn't worthy. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with this pain.  A lot of times it was just me and my sister going over the times and trying to figure it out. She helped me try to understand.  But in reality, I have to accept that this was not my fault.  I am NOT worthless...I am NOT ugly....I did amount to something.  I AM WORTHY!  I have to repeat this so often.  That negative Mantra has been with me so long, it still holds sway, but I have a really great support group.  People who love me and tell me I'm beautiful, I'm worthy. It helps a lot! 

So here I am...raw.  I'm having to relearn WHY I am eating.  Plus I found out my son has ADHD and we have changed his diet to try and help his symptoms.  Less carbs and sugars and more protein. If anyone else has any tricks with this I would appreciate insight.  (Would like to NOT go the medicated route) I changed jobs and am now working a somewhat night shift (6pm to 2am) full time.  I'm noticing changes.  I have changed my eating pattern and with that, I am noticing weight loss.  I don't  eat breakfast, usually I go to bed about 3am and am up at 6:30am to get the kids to school, then I go back for a couple hour nap.  I wake up and have lunch, then I make dinner (try to do less carbs for Joe) and then I go to work.  I bring a tea, and a SMALL snack.  Usually a crackers and hummus combo.  Sometimes I bring a chocolate muffin if I feel I need a sweet treat.  I'm not saying NO, just trying to portion size.  I try and walk away from the food, even if I don't feel satisfied because I know I am not eating for sustenance,  I am eating to suppress feelings.  I need to face those feelings.  I woke up today and randomly weighed myself...243.8lbs.  Not bad.  I had noticed my work pants getting bigger,  especially since I had ballooned up to 260lbs.  But whats funny is every time I know I'm losing the weight, its like my subconscious panics and I notice a huge jump in my appetite.  I'm starting to be aware of these small signals.  My minds way of trying to deal.  Then I have to talk myself through it.  I tell myself I'm going to be ok!  And it's ok to fail.  It doesn't make me useless, it makes me stronger.  I'm a survivor.  So here it is.  And if you don't hear from me for a while, we can assume I am in an eating coma and am feeling guilty.  But I just need to remind myself,  I AM WORTHY!

And it Begins...again!

So I finally got my Shakeology!  Been using it for 2 days now, and following a healthy eating plan.  Not really counting calories, but staying away from the garbage.  And not over eating.  I have a shakeology shake as a lunch replacement!  I can't wait to see how much I lose in a week so I can see if this is working or not! Lol.

So I start off this time at
254.6 lbs. 

Not my proudest moment being back up there.  But I really and truly believe that this time I will make it.  I am actually quite surprised at how filling the shake is and how great it is at curbing cravings.  I actually have had no night time cravings since starting it!  The only thing I actually want is protein...meat!  I am gonna pick up some turkey pepperoni sticks.  I could have one of those to curb it and they are only 50 calories.  Another trick up my sleeve this time is....Steeped Tea.
My sister started drinking their tea, which is 100% all natural and a Canadian company.  Not to mention they are freaking amazing.   My two all time favourites....After Eight Tea, and Almond Chocolate Tort. They are like a dessert in a cup!  If you are craving something sweet, have a cup of tea and it cures it! Anyways, I will check with you after a week and let you know the results!

On to a steady summer!

So Far Down the Rabbit Hole

It's been a rough few months...not going to lie.  I slipped into every old habit I had and embraced them.  Stroked them, told them I would never let them go again. Then the scale started yelling at me from the bathroom, and my old bra decided it just couldn't take it anymore and broke.  That's when I realised I had undone all that hard work.  I had written off every struggle, every accomplishment.  I had failed myself.  Completely.  I can say it was my ankle, I can do the woe story.  I can sit here and have you smile and nod that yes, I had gone through so much, but really.  The reality is, I let myself go because the voices in my head, the ones that tell me what a failure I am, that tell me I will always be fat.  Those voices got so loud and started to tell me what I wanted to hear.  That crowed about chocolate and cake, they cackled about needing to heal....they just kept talking and truth be told, I wanted to listen.  They are so comfortable.  Like old pajamas that fit just right.  They are worn in all the right places, and always make me feel soothed.  Unfortunately...with old pajamas....they start getting holes and we don't notice.  They aren't covering everything they need to and my health is at risk.  I've started noticing small things...like my hips ache...I'm not talking hurt a little, but truly ACHE.  Then there are the chest pains....they started happening once every 2-3 months...just little twinges.  But recently...they've been severe pain, going down my right arm....making my fingers tingle.  Now...I'm way too scared to go to the Doctor and hear what I think may be happening.  I would rather start fixing the problem.  I've got to start at the beginning again...I've got to try again.  I've got to do it all over again, but god willing, I'll succeed and be able to have my breast reduction! So...plan of attack...I will attempt to eat a healthy breakfast, and use a meal replacement shake loaded with all the vitamins and minerals my body needs for lunch, then a carb free dinner.  I've chosen Shakeology as my meal replacement as I hear such wonderful things about it. 

So that's the beginning and I will incorporate a gym.  (Can't fall in the snow in a gym!;))
I hope you all come along and help me to get to my goal! We are starting off when I can get the shakeology powder and get cracken! 

Thanks for sticking around!

It Feels Like a Lifetime!

It feels like a lifetime since I have blogged.  There has been so much that has happened.  So many things...so many disappointments. I have gained all the weight back.  Maybe more..I have been too sad to get back on the scale.  My ankle is still hurting, stairs are my Achilles heel.  We moved, and I had surgery on my abdomen.  OK...one thing at a time!
My ankle still swells sometimes, and hurts.  Some days are better then others.  I have tried running and it starts to hurt about 1 minute in.  My new place has stairs, and some days its so hard to get up and down them.  I'm sure part of the problem is my weight!

Now..we moved.  Having 2 kids in a 2 bedroom mobile became way too daunting.  We are now in a 3 bedroom townhouse/condo with 3 floors and a basement.  Kids everywhere and my minis are so happy!  They love the new place, all the great friends and their Auntie is 2 doors down.  I love living here. It really feels like home!  Plus, having my sister (The super runner) right close is lots of motivation!  I now live in the hills a bit, but it's beautiful up here. Just beautiful! 

Now, my surgery.  I found a lump.  A random lump, went to my doctor to discuss it. He figured it was a hernia and sent me to the surgeon.  Went to the surgeon and he said he didn't think it was a hernia since it didn't go back in when pressed, so I was sent for an ultrasound.  Went for the ultrasound and that's when things started getting weird.  She started taking all kinds of pictures and asking questions.  Said she wanted to get pics of my uterus, my ovaries, etc.  This is a hernia...right?  Then she said she wanted to see if the radiologist wanted any extra tests done! What??  Get home and there is a message from the Doctors office wanting me in asap.  Now I am getting freaked!  I get to them and he relays that is is Endometrio Centosis, or an Endometrial Tumour.  Tumour...growth...lump.  I was scared, especially when they wanted me in for surgery 2 days after...I had to make plans...call my work.  So I was going in 10 days after.  He told me the mass had implanted into my abdominal wall, and had created its own blood supply, etc. So, depending on it's size and how much he had to take out, he may have to put in a mesh.  Scary. I stayed strong, I hugged my kids a lot harder that week, and only my husband knew how truly afraid I was. Only at night when it was just him and I!  So I went in for my surgery, nervous, but glad to be getting "Asshole" as I had named it, out!  I woke up from surgery, groggy, in pain and nauseous.  I always get sick after a surgery.  Always.  I was sent to recovery and the nurses were so wonderful, helping to get me dressed and go to the washroom.  I went home, knowing that the lump was gone.  I had a reaction to the pain killers and they made me very nauseous, so I stopped taking them after 2 days.  So needless to say, there was a fair bit of pain.  Thankfully, they used my c-section scar so no new scars.  I went back to the surgeon, and that's when I got the fun news, endometrial tumours are a form of endometriosis and there is a good chance I will get more.  Oh poop.  Thankfully they are usually benign.  But still...really? Anyways, its been a long road!!

OK, well, I am getting the Fit Bit which is a bracelet that tracks your movements throughout the day, and your sleep patterns at night, then sends them to an app so I can see whats going on.  Come September, I will start again.  I will have to go slower, darn you ankle, but I will try again! I can't just give up!
So onwards...and downwards we go!

Wayward Way

I have lost my way...I have gone off track completely!  I feel like my spark was snuffed.  Just can't get back into it.  I have gained a total of 9lbs to date, and I have been so ashamed I couldn't even bring myself to blog it.  I haven't gone for a run, I haven't exercised and I haven't been watching what I ate.  I have been so bad.  I don't know where my willpower went?  It's almost like that injury doomed me.  It sent me back to almost the beginning.  I am so sad.  I knew how close I was getting, I was on such a good track, and BAM.  Gone...I lost the will, and the drive.  I can't seem to find it either.  I always have an excuse...a reason why I can't.  Nobody telling me to do it either.  Just my shame to keep that niggling in the back of my mind...the shame of what could have been.  I need to find that jump start again.  I need to have a new D-Day.  A moment to say HEY ASSHOLE!  Sooooo...I shall begin again after spring break, when my kids go back into school.  I will start from point A.  Watching what I eat and running again.  I can say that yes...my ankle STILL hurts.  I still get painful popping and sharp pains when I squat or go up and down stairs. I don't know why it hasn't completely healed yet, but I need to work through this!  I am heading to the Dentist today, I had a cavity and was waiting until my hubby's dental kicked in to get it fixed, but it decided to crack the whole way down the tooth instead!  So...I am heading in today to get it extracted.  I just can't afford the cost of fixing ($1000-$2000).  Anyways...that's where I am at...my shame,  my sorrow. I am so mad at myself.  Especially since seeing all the cute outfits coming out.  The tops I could have worn! :(

Onwards...downwards!

Missed that week..

I know! I missed last week entirely!  It was my son's birthday week, and amid prepping for a party with a bunch of 6 year old kids and attempting to make everything from scratch, I definitely bit off more then I could chew! Throw in a dose of school issues for him and the past little bit have been very crappy.  My son was being bullied, and was having some serious issues.  I had to contact the school, then go in and talk to the principal and a few other people to get some sort of help for him.  Thankfully, I now have it under control, but I can say that my health was put on the back burner.  Haven't been out running, haven't been out at all.  Plus, being an emotional eater, I was indulging my psychological need with plenty of caloric mood suppressants!  Needless to say, this week sees me up at the scales.  My fault, my setback, my bad!

weight: 234.2
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

I'm disappointed in myself, and am feeling like crap!  Physically and mentally.  I have a bad cold coming in, sore throat, cough, muscle aches, headache, stuffed nose. Plus, both kids and hubby are sick.  Then I am mentally sick with myself. Always an excuse why I can't get out there, or why I should have that treat!  Ugh! Disgusting!

I have been trying to make a large healthy dinner that I can make multiple dinners with, and freeze, and one treat of some kind to add to it!  Last week was lasagna, pickled carrots and lemon poppy seed bread.  This week was Bouilie (a french peasant soup), and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Trying to slowly take out processed junk and substitute a more clean eating lifestyle. I figure putting in homemade snacks in my kids' lunch is better then processed cookies, etc.  So onwards we go!  Hoping to get out there more, and for crying out loud....stop eating the crap! One cookie is good enough, you don't need 10!

Another little switch this week, well, 2 weeks, is that I deactivated my facebook account.  I found I was on a share everything kick, which is me.  I don't sugarcoat things. If I am having a great day, I say so, if not, I say so. I wear my heart on my sleeve as it were.  Anyways, there were a few people who felt the need to let me know how, in PM, how bad my parenting was and what I should do to fix it. (Regarding son's school issues) So by deactivating it, I cut there influence out and am able to think clearly for myself.  I will reactivate it (after 1 month) and I will not be quite the share bear I was.  Those that truly know me and care about me will know what I am going through, everyone else will get generic status' and know only minimal.  I also will be doing a deleting fest...get rid of my emotional vampires! Those that scroll facebook to make themselves feel better about their lives! Anyways, hopefully next week can get me into the gym at least! Let's move forward shall we! :)

Back on track..slowly!

Well, I am back on track.  Been trying to get out running, it's not as easy, definitely hurts.  My ankle starts hurting right away, and I tend to overcompensate on my left leg, but then it gets sore. At least I'm starting again! My sister ran her first full marathon on Saturday! Very proud of her, and she inspires me!  I'm heading back down again, that makes me super happy!  I would LOVE to see the 220's next week, but we'll have to wait and see what happens.  Still watching what i eat, but I don't say absolutely NO to something,,,just have a small piece, and I found those Fibre 1 brownies...they are so good. I'm a sugar junky!  Feeling good and happy to be starting back, and I have to say, feeling very relieved that I am able to run! On the roads too..I have to watch where I go, some sidewalks are really rough and I just speed walk those.  I don't take any chances! I am so much slower though...went from running a 5 km in 48.24 mins to 4.61 km in 57.19 mins! That's a big difference! 


weight:233.0
Waist : 42
Hips :53
Bust : 52

Yay! Down 2.4 lbs!!! That feels so good to be going down again!!  Ok...on to another great week and getting out there! Onwards and downwards on my journey!! Wanna be sporting a new bathing suit come summer! ;)